I sit here in tears. I sit here balled up in anger. In bitterness. My teeth are clenched. My fists are raised. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'm mad at God. I haven't been mad at God many times in my short twenty four years on this earth...but after many tears and many yells, screams and cries directed at everyone else in my life...I've traced the tear trail back to one source of anger...Yep, I'm definetely mad at God. Ya see, there's this one thing that I desire. This one thing that in itself is not just one thing, but the beginning to a new future...I've desired this beautiful thing for a while now...and I've even thought to myself..."man, I just KNOW God has put this desire in my heart...it feels so right...it feels so like the right direction...it feels like my calling..." But, years have passed. and nothing. I look around me and thanks to our insanely massive social media network, I see within two seconds of logging on that so many other people are getting exactly what they want...what I want. and post after post, picture after picture, I just smile and deep down, am truly happy for them...seems just here recently though, that after so many smiles and good attitudes, that whole deal starts getting crazy hard. I have slowly drifted into a bed of bitterness. I am no longer seeing anything genuinely good in my heart, my attitude. Seems nowadays everything I see and think is just terrible. Filled with angry thoughts, raging jealousy, let's go crawl in a hole bitterness...and it's got me so ticked off at God. Just when I think I'm at a breakthrough with receiving my heart's desire, I am only fooled and look up to see myself no where closer than I was when I began the pursuit.
It's got me thinking about Hannah. Ya know, 1 Samuel Hannah...If you have your bible anywhere close to you, crack it open to 1 Samuel 1 and read verses 1 through chapter 2:11...it's not that long...but what's inside is speaking to me in volumes this morning...I've got to get through this anger...YOU'VE got to do that too...How? How do you find truth when you're so mad at God you can't see straight? You push. You fight with your flesh...because, deep down..I know that God is good. I really do know that.,,but, knowing that He controls everything..that in a blink of his big ole eye, my desire could be here before you have time to say holy moly..my frustration, disappointment and anger automatically and instantly turn to God. For whatever reason, God has allowed the desire to wait. He has planned out my life so that I would be right where I am, living with OUT the desire for a while or for who knows how long...and I know in the secret parts of my heart that it's all for good...but good grief, it's so hard getting through life watching everyone else get what you desire so strongly. and what's even harder is seeing so many people who you KNOW care nothing about the Lord get all the good stuff..while you're sitting there serving Him with your whole heart and choking on desert air.
Hannah knew exactly what that felt like...for years, HER deepest desire was to conceive a baby and be a mommy. She wanted it so badly, so desperately.... that after years of seeing others obtain what SHE desired, the word says in 1 Samuel 10 that Hannah made her way straight to the temple of the Lord and wept BITTERLY..she was DEEPLY DISTRESSED and she PRAYED TO THE LORD...hmmmm...why is it that I, too, feel deeply distressed about obtaining this desire of my heart but instead of praying to the Lord and heading straight for the temple of the Lord, I'm packing my bags and running away? I mean, Hannah waited YEARS...and right before all this went down, verse 5 in chapter 1 says that Hannah's husband loved her and gave her a double portion (of food), EVEN THOUGH THE LORD HAD CLOSED HER WOMB.
WHAT?
Hannah knew that the Lord had the power to give her the desire of her heart..she knew that He had closed her womb, the very door that led to her holding her own precious angel in her arms. How could she still push through the temple doors with her arms open wide...almost is if she fell through those doors and into the arms of her Lord?
Hannah possessed something then that I must possess now.
1. First, I must stop and acknowledge that God is good..and not only is He good, but He is mine and I am His. Hannah desired a baby, but recognized first, that SHE was the LORD'S baby...His child. His daughter...and no matter what He chose to do, she would always be His and His plans for her would always work out to bring Him honor and glory.
2. Hannah chose to not run TO anger, but to pure and genuine weeping...to run INTO the Lord's arms, not in the opposite direction. She ran into His house...she prayed. She directed her emotions towards the Lord and did so with nothing but love for her Daddy...
3. Hannah promised the Lord that if He would give her a child, she would give the baby right back to Him. She made it very clear that anything she received...any one of her desires that came to life...had been given to her from God. They were not hers to begin with...so if He chose to answer her prayers, she would give the gift back. We must give the desire BACK to God before we even receive it. Waiting for your husband? Give him to God NOW. Waiting for that new job? Give it to God NOW. Waiting on a baby? Give the baby to God right NOW. Hannah did that...and lastly...
4. Hannah left with Hope. She left the temple with hope that the Lord heard her cries and that in his timing, He would answer her. She left with her head held high. No more tears, just a big heart of hope and trust and love for her Daddy and for the desire she just KNEW she would receive...Ya see, when she made her way into the temple, a priest named Eli was in there...he was actually kicking' a chill.."sitting on the seat beside the doorpost of the temple of the Lord" (verse 9)...He saw her and the way she was carrying on..the crying, the praying silently to herself...at first he thought she was drunk! HA! She quickly corrected him and after explaining to him her deep desire to have a child, he said this to her..."Go in peace and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to him..." WOW. Talk about exciting. She replied with "let your servant find favor in your eyes.."
Hannah left there with hope that the Lord would find favor in her eyes...she left there with HOPE that God would come through for her...and that regardless, God was good. God saw her. God gave Hannah a peace that was inexplainable when she left the temple that day...so as you head out to where ever your going today, as you dry your eyes..fix your makeup, roll out of bed..asking yourself "how am I going to make it through this day?"...remember, God sees you. Take that anger and let the peace of God wash over you. God is for you, not against you. And sister, your time will come...maybe, like Hannah...the Lord is showing YOU to flourish in the waiting, so that when you DO experience your miracle, it will be the most beautiful experience you've had with the Lord YET...
Flourish, baby, Flourish
Ashleigh
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